ONE ACTS: Excerpt from Get a Life!

ONE ACT PLAY
Selected scene from Get a Life! (2009)

Submitted for the Toronto Fringe 24 Hour Playwriting contest, July 2009. Contestants were given 24 hours to write a script which included four things. This year they happened to be: a pas-de-deux, a border dispute, third base, and the phrase “the economy is the secret police of your desires”. Sonja and Reggie are two eccentric people of any age. Former lovers and roommates. After their break-up, they are forced to ‘stay together for the grow-op’ that resides in the backroom of their abode.

(Scene Two)

Sonja I’m hungry.

Reggie That makes two of us, however, you will find that by resigning from complaining about it, I am the stronger being.

Sonja Ugh, there’s nothing to eat on my side.

Reggie Well there’s none on my side neither.

Sonja Either.

Reggie Either?

Sonja ‘Nothing to eat on my side either’

Reggie Sonja, I never would have thought that you of all people would forget that grammar correction is not allowed after…

Sonja It’s only 3:00…

Reggie Four PM. You haven’t changed your clocks yet.

Sonja Oh SHIT!

Reggie (‘Language’ is always said without skipping a beat) Language; besides, it’s not with ee-ther, it’s eye-ther.

Sonja Oh shut up, I’m so hungryyy.

Reggie I think that little slip up calls for my grocery run. Here is my list—


Sonja Oh no. I’m not doing this. Every time I run your groceries for you, you make an exceedingly long list, which is always longer than mine; I end up hauling a shit-ton of groceries—


Reggie Language.

Sonja —I end up hurting my back, which you know takes days to heal, and ugh. I want to make a new rule.

Reggie So would I.

Sonja What?

Reggie Well it seems that your swearing has increased dramatically in the last day or so, and I would like to capitalise on it. So here’s what I propose: you can have your rule about my lists, say, five items maximum per shopping run. But that means we also agree that every time you swear… you owe me… $20.

Sonja One, that’s completely unfair. And two, that’s stupid, we communally grow marijuana for money. We have the same cut, the same pay. You never go out of the house or spend money on anything, why do you need more money?

Reggie Principle. And maybe I’m saving for something.

Sonja What, a TV?

Reggie No.

Sonja More chalk?

Reggie No.

Sonja Video games?

Reggie Must you reduce my life to three activities? I do plenty of things while you’re not around.

Sonja Oh really, like what?

Reggie I happen to be building something.

Sonja Doesn’t building require effort, and a remote amount of muscle strength?

Reggie I work out.

Sonja You work out, when, with what?

Reggie I usually get a good sweat going in Warcraft.

Sonja Okay, cross some items off, you only get five.

Reggie So we’re making those two rules?

Sonja Fuck no.

Reggie Language. OK, I’ll make that three jars of pickles then.

Sonja Ughhhh!

They look at each other, extend fists and do quick rounds of rock, paper, scissors. Sonja cries out each time she loses the three of five games.


Reggie Victory!

Sonja Fuck! Oh dammit. (Hands him $20) You’re just picking on me because I look hot today.

Reggie Do you? I hadn’t noticed.

(Sonja gets her purse to leave)

Reggie The list?

(End of Scene Two)